Posted by: David | July 30, 2010

My Bad

-a crazy little post somehow inspired by Vodka and Ground Beef, the blogger, not the substances …

Dear John,

If that is your real name. All I know is that Dear John is how this kind of letter is supposed to begin. Yes, this kind of letter. It’s not me, John, it’s you. At least I’ll do you the courtesy of not using your real name Dick. We’ll just call you Mr. Head n-kay?

You said I was boring. I told you I’d be more spontaneous next time. I guess you ditching me in the toilet paper aisle at Walmart was your idea of fun. When Walmart has a Rollback on Ex-Lax, dude, I have NO sense of humor. So stick THAT right up your regular ass.

I told you I had once been diagnosed with Aspberger’s syndrome. You said, oh really, what is it then love, Aspberger’s or asshole?!? You shouldn’t make fun of mental illness, retard! I got news for ya buddy, beauty is only skin deep, but shallowness goes really deep! You are a name-calling BASTARD!

Two words: HAH!!

Guess it’s my fault for always blaming someone. I’ll give you that. My best friend said it was me. She said, you know how people who are likable are always hated by people who are not likable, right? I said no, I didn’t know that, bitch. She’s not my best friend any more. Her biggest flaw was picking shitty friends. It’s not my fault that I’m not responsible. Dammit.

My friends at work thought you were cool just because you paid for lunch a few times. They love McDonald’s. I need new friends. And I need a new job. Burger King sucks. And for future reference Mr. Head, ordering a hot dog at McDonald’s is really not funny. Not even after the third time. Nossir.

I just don’t know about all this je ne sais quoi …

Guess that’s all for now, write back soon.




  1. Um, 0_o ❗
    You’re on a roll with this one; seriously, eyes still bugging out here!
    To John/Dick/Mr. Head/Asshole: Your shallowness knows no depth! 😉

    Thanks Muse, hope your eyes have bulged back in by now. Just so you know … Mr. Head is a purely fictional character well represented by many real people. Male people. Though the also-fictional author of this Dear John Letter is imagined to be the female near-equivalent. Over analysis … thanks for commenting, as always! 🙂

  2. You don’t have to beat me up in public, Dave!

    Good one.

    Thanks B&G, your comment is much appreciated. Sad to say I worked on this “letter” for a few weeks, before finally saying, “aah b’deet b’deet b’deet … aah that’s all folks” and clicking PUBLISH.

    As for your ex-girfriend, she was wondering if you’d be willing to be a reference for her. She’s got an interview Monday at Walmart. She’s coming up in the world.

  3. I love it. This line is my personal favorite (the Wal-mart part is a very close second though) “And for future reference Mr. Head, ordering a hot dog at McDonald’s is really not funny.”

    Insightful, courageous, noble, organic, crunchy, and easy on sauce.

    VAGB that makes me happy! Thanks for the indirect inspiration and the funny comment. Nobility wasn’t a target here, but somehow the persona who writes your posts has been rattling round in my skull lately, thus leaking sauce. Hmmm, leaky brain, that sounds familiar … but any who, inspiration is mysterious, so let’s just leave it at that. It’s the je ne sais quoi 🙂

  4. omg….what?!?!?! Hahahaha…this was a hilarious departure, you tell him sister! 😉

    “My friends at work thought you were cool just because you paid for lunch a few times. They love McDonald’s”….classic 😀

    Thanks Romi! I departed all right. My female alter ego is sort of a low-expectations type of gal. 🙂

  5. Did you already disable that new little “I like it” button? When did it appear? I saw it the first time just now. That is what we call and Americanada over here and Toqueville called it or rather its function “the tyranny of the majority”.

    But I did not understand that letter, nor who it was meant for. Maybe if you added a photo…?

    I was not aware of such a button. WordPress often adds “features” that bolog authors do not see when logged in to their own sites.

    You know, I wondered what you would think of this post. It was a joke. The sort of comedy that depends on current knowledge of a particularly lowbrow American sub-sub-sub culture. A “Dear John” letter is written to dismiss one’s current paramour. It could’ve used a photo, you’re right. The right photo didn’t happen to pop into my brain. More photos coming soon.

  6. Hmm, methinks you’ve been out in the sun too long.

    Or reading too much wacky stuff on the internet …

  7. You made various fine points there. I did a search on the theme and found nearly all persons will go along with with your blog.

    Hi Lashawna. This comment got caught by the spam filter. Probably it’s spam and you don’t really exist. But I want to thank you anyway for the positive feedback. I hope all persons DO go along with my blog.

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