Posted by: David | February 16, 2008

HAAAAAA! What it is …

I hope that laughter really is the best medicine cause there’s just SO much funny stuff out there these days. Or maybe it’s just because of the internet that we have so much more access to it.

Whatever. It is what it is, as they say, if you will, or whathaveyou. Didja hear our congresspeople discussing that saying “it is what it is”? The NPR commentator was likening “it is what it is” to “whatever”. Fascinating. ‘Verbal tofu’ it’s called, taking on the flavor of whatever the conversation is about. Self-referential truthiness. QED.

It all sounds so BOOLEAN. Spooky like.  [shudder & gag]

onionring.jpg
AMAZING yin-yang onion ring in a coworker’s lunch! It took 2 people to properly display it.

bumpersticker.jpg

My friend vermonter had this bumper sticker made and sent to me. An atheist friend of ours had a similar sticker: Dog is my co-pilot and was the victim of many an unfriendly horn blast as punishment for this dyslexic blasphemy. Some people just can’t take a joke. Then again, some people can never be serious about anything and try to turn everything into jokes. This sucks too, unless the perpetrator is actually funny. Then it’s great, but tiring after a while. You know me, serious as all getout.

Anyhoo, Oliver is not that great of a co-pilot, and he has bad breath. I don’t think HE takes things very seriously. Going to bed the other night I noticed these objects on the couch: a twist-tie, a rawhide bone, and a lozenge wrapper. A more serious dog would not leave these items in plain sight. Not that Oliver doesn’t have plenty of other treasures under the various pieces of furniture in his territory.

img_1755.jpg
Oliver’s tools laid out on the couch for the following day’s ennui.

But back to more serious matters. What were those?

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Responses

  1. This onion ring has changed my life. More than when I saw the Virgin Mary’s image embedded in my Pop Tart.

    The bumper sticker is AMAZING!!!!!!! Now we need one that says, “It Is What It Is,” with a picture of that onion ring, or what have you.

  2. MBMQ: oh was that YOUR pop-tart?! wow. This may be the closest I’ve ever approached to Greatness.

    Sticker makers are easy to find on the Internet.

    David: “Verbal tofu” implies a soy base, & isn’t that inherently nutritious? Protein and all. Pesonally, I can’t abide the stuff; it is like sycophantic food, taking on the flavors of anything around it. Has no character, no backbone, no stand-me-up of its own , tofu does NOT. Plus I distrust as a foodstuff anything I have to rinse first and frequently. Which reminds me of a REALLY funny raccoon story, but that’s just too random to inflict on someone else’s blog… :o)

  3. Moonbeam, glad to have been able to contribute something to your life’s journey. About that onion ring, I think Bob ate it.

    Vermonter, I’m a little taken aback by your anti-soya rant! It’s because of that Soy Bomb guy who “heckled” Dylan isn’t it? Admit it. Then tell the racoon story!!

    [whinily]Pleeeeeeez?!?

  4. I think Oliver stole my Jerry’s bone. Smart pup you got there to find it as Jerry hides his bones rather well .. (under the couch pillows .. always).

  5. vermonter- I implore thee, no infliction is too random for THIS blog! I promise.

    Red, so you think Oliver is smart huh? If he can steal bones through the internet then I guess you’re right. I better keep an eye on that little dog.

  6. It aint nothin’ but a thing.

  7. Or, things ‘n stuff, as I like to call it.

  8. well. ok. But I warn you: this is kind of a nasty trick to play on a raccoon. My friend Brian was camping at a pond in my town with a bunch of people. They had a campfire on the shore and had hotdogs & beer and then somebody went into the village and got more beers and a couple pints of Ben & Jerry’s for dessert. So they are sitting around the campfire about 10 and they see little pairs of glowy eyes start to show up around the edge of the campfire circle. For a while they made a game of tossing bits of hot dog bun into the brush and watching the coons scrambling.. Then Brian pries a big chunk out of coffee ice cream of the bottom of the B&J pint and this one brave raccoon waddles out of the shadows right up to him. So Brian hands him the chunk of ice cream and the raccoon turns and carries it right down to the shore and starts washing it the way they do, in the pond. He washes and washes and washes and pretty soon he has… NADA! Nothing! empty hands! Poor little guy. He trundles off into the dark, and the people are bent over double watching this, laughing but trying not to make any noise. I know it’s mean. But you had to be there, a little beery-eyed, and you’d have laughed too.

  9. THANK YOU vermonter!

    That is absolutely hilarious!

    Stupid racoons! I’m not the least bit sad for them and their ill-conceived hygiene. Let’s learn a lesson from them! What is up with that “washing” anyway? Like crap you pull out of a trashcan can be “cleaned” in the river!

    Oh I just know there’s a wonderful aphorism lurking somewhere in this story of yours. I’ll let you know if I figure it out. In the meantime thanks for the racoon story! 🙂

  10. Wow, I was so impressed to see that Oliver eats organic lozengers. He’s like the Alice Waters of dogs.

    @ Vermonter – Here’s my aphorism submission: If someone hands you some ice cream, eat it right away.

  11. @ Vermonter: That was one wondeful raccoon story.

  12. David: agreed, unless maybe they aren’t so much cleaning their food as basting or marinating it.

    @ Wendy, Yeah, mine was shaping up along those lines: “You don’t wash ice cream.” Or “In ice cream we trust. Tofu? Not so much…”

    @ MBMQ: well a raccoon is a pretty wonderful creature. Those little hands, little mask, little attitude…

  13. You had me at “boolean” and “ennui” in this post 🙂 ….and I’m impressed that someone in your family eats “organic” lozenges, it’s the only way to go 😉

  14. Did you eat the onion ring or sell it on E-Bay?

  15. Romi, yes. Boolean boolean boolean, ennui! Now have a nice day my friend.

    Clarification: It was only a lozenge wrapper. When Oliver gets posession of this type of thing, especially with used tissues, he gets himself to a visible place, and “shows off” his forbidden object, teasing his mother and me into chasing him around the table to separate him from his verboten prize. However, if Oliver needed a lozenge, we’d definitely be looking for the organic ones.

    Joan- as I mentioned, Bob ate the onion ring. I think it may have affected him profoundly, but I won’t know for sure until I see him this week, since that fateful lunch was last Friday. Bob is a pretty cool guy anyway, so it might be hard to tell if there’s anything different about him.

    We should probably ask Moonbeam if she ate that Pop-Tart. Frankly, I would hope that none of you eat Pop Tarts, because they’re gross!

  16. Pop-Tarts ARE gross….

    Question: have you ever succumbed to the temptation of a Pilsbury Toaster Strudel? I mean you pop ’em in the toaster and out comes a warm ‘n flaky fruit explosion! You don’t even need to put on that damn frosting that comes in the accompanying packet….it’s just a good time is what I’m sayin’….

  17. i *love* pop tarts. i eat one every day. actually, i eat *two* every day because because Nobody Can Buy Just One. I like the little >click!< sound the frosting makes when it breaks between your teeth.

  18. OK vermonter. No offense!

    But …

    EEEEEWWWWW!

  19. Of course, I eat pork rinds by the bagful!

  20. Racoon Ice Cream Washing Aphorism Decision:

    Ice cream. Don’t marinate it!

  21. Pork rinds by the bagful??

    My turn: EEEEWWWWWW!

    So, nobody’s perfect.

    What is the “rind” of a pig anyway? Don’t they make footballs out of them?

  22. Vermonter:
    The racoon story is very nice. I had to read it without having the slightest idea what a racoon could look like. Sometimes I imagined a squirrel and sometimes a parrot. Now I’ll find out.

    David:
    Black rimmed fingernails not yours.

    This comment was caught by the WordPress Akismet filter for some unknown reason. I had to free it up, hence its delayed appearance … Hope you found a picture of a racoon so you can see how adorable they look. But they’re basically giant rats that will eat your chickens if you have any.

    The fingers holding the yinyang onion ring are those of Bob, (not to be confused with this Bob [link]) who ate it moments after this photo was taken. Fortunately nobody was hurt and the universe maintained its spatio-temporal integrity for the time being. The negligible amount of dirt under Bob’s fingernails is from his hard work.

  23. I am laughing heartily from all the comments! (poor raccoon) I think the onion ring looks like the greek letter THETA.

    David – I like the term you coined ‘crapstack flyby’ – it would be a great post title, yes?

  24. Thanks CuriousC. I’m really trying to bring crapstack into wider usage. You’re right about that as a post title too, I have a lot to say about crapstack flyby.

    I checked in with Bob today, the eater of the yinyang theta onion ring, and, well, we were not having the best day. We got our Monday on Tuesday. Should have sold the onion ring on ebay. Or maybe when you get a food item that looks like something sacred or profound, you should NOT eat it. Even though logic dictates …

    Vermonter, I’m not so happy that I bothered looking up pork rinds on Wikipedia. Eeeeewww indeed. It’s nothing more than salted deep fried skin of pig. Yeah, like the football. No carbs, but lots of fat and 3X the sodium of potato chips. Not such a good snack after all. Especially compared to the whole grain goodness of popcorn (naked popcorn anyway). But thanks for being grossed out.

  25. hey, anytime. if it’s any comfort i too have been grossing MYSELF out thinking about frosting that >CRACKS< on compression.

  26. So more soya then? For the both of us?

  27. actually….(And I have been giving this a lot of thought…in fact i chewed it over with my crackly frosting just this very morning)… i think the answer is: not soya, not pork rinds, not pop-tarts (or: pot-parts, as I first spelt it), but: the pickled garlic in the antepasto cart at Can’t-Affords Supermarket. Pick it over carefully (you don’t want the red peppers; they make you sweat in your good clothes for work). The little garlics are FABULOSO.

  28. also: wine-in-a-box.

  29. Or: crapstack marinée

  30. You know vermonter, I would like to wheel that whole antepasto cart through the checkout and home. That’s sometimes my first and only stop in Can’t-Affords superette. And I DO want the red peppers- [Homer Simpson drool ] … So what if my work clothes smell! Crapstack marinee sounds OK too. That would be “comfort food”, perfect with all boxed wines.

  31. Ah-ha! That’s it! I know now what “crapstack” is! It’s a huge towering heap of INDIAN PUDDING! Heated up in the microwave, it is comfort food indeed. Esp. with a side of B&J’s Vanilla For A Change.

  32. Oh heavens no vermonter!

    Crapstack is no foodstuff. Or if it was, it would be so yukky that NOBODY would ever want to eat.

    Indian pudding is wonderful! Not crapstack.

    Since we cannot translate CRAPSTACK into English (mostly because it already IS English), we must be satisfied with this mental image: shit pile.

    [The following is a public service announcement for the word CRAPSTACK]

    It’s a handy 2-syllable curse word! Like the F-bomb, it’s most often used as a strongly negative expletive, with enough consonants and plosives to be satisfying. Built on the word “crap”, a perennial favorite, the second syllable’s staccato gives a nice kick! Plus, it’s NOT the F-bomb so it can be used in “mixed” company. Let’s say it loudly now!

    CRAPSTACK!!

  33. It’s not every day that I learn a new expletive that’s satisfying on the ennunciation-level, but can ALSO be used in mixed company…thanks David! 🙂

    CRAPSTACK!
    CRAPSTACK!!
    CRAAAPSTAAACK!!!

    (okay maybe I’m getting carried away…)

  34. For some reason, “crapstack” sounds like a term for a pile of burnt pancakes. Sausage and crapstacks. Mmmmm…..Yes, that’s what I’m going to reserve it for. Not that I ever burn anything.

  35. Romi that’s the spirit!! This word is perfect for you! Please distribute all aboot Canada!

    Moonbeam, you’re right. It sounds an awful lot like “flapjack”.

  36. […] Religion, stoves, symbolism, Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich) Recently, David over at “Thoughts-0-Dave” posted this amazing image of a mystical onion ring. See the yin yang symbol? It’s […]

  37. Now I know whose fingernails these were. However, what about that “twist tie”? What happened to it? Did Oliver chew it up? I imagine it is some special kind of tie. I hope you had not saved it for your birthday party.

    You do? I am amazed cantueso! Why, this was only last February and I don’t even remember whose fingernails those were. Half true. I know it’s Bob holding the onion ring. Not sure who’s finger is pointing.

    That twist tie does look like a special one, doesn’t it? It’s quite large. I bet if I looked deep inside the couch, really really deep, I might find it. I wonder if Oliver will work through his ennui the same way this winter.


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