Posted by: David | January 4, 2008

Britney Spears Assassinated By Rabid Weasels- Maybe?

Los Angeles, January 5 2008. As reported by truTV (NOT TRUE!)

britney_spears_shaving-hair-bald.jpg
Happier days early last year.

According to Cedars Sinai Medical Center spokesperson Stephan Dedley, Britney Spears, under a 72 hour code 5151 evaluative isolation, was apparently attacked by a flock of rabid underground-dwelling city weasels. When orderlies and other staff in the Cedars Sinai Psych Ward Sub Basement first heard the noise, they thought that Britney was singing “Oops I did it again” at the top of her freaked out lungs, but when they opened the security doors, there was nothing left of Britney but a small pile of hair extensions and gum wrappers. The observation room’s windows were all broken out too, which is how the weasels were able to escape.

LAPD brought in K9 patrols to track the weasel herd. It appears that the tracks were headed towards Jamie Lynn’s place. The New Year’s Eve party is still going over there. Spears family representatives were too drunk to return phone calls. It’s a long trail since Jamie Lynn lives in Louisiana. This probably means that the FBI will be involved soon, joining forces with Homeland Security, the NSA, and, of course, Greenpeace. Greenpeace activists have already protested frequently against the threat to the billions and billions of endangered weasels worldwide. They are now afraid that Britney Spears may contaminate the weasel gene pool, thus dooming them to extinction.

UPDATE: There is no update. Stay tuned. Pray for poor Britney and her family!

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Responses

  1. I’m so glad you posted this. I can’t get enough news about Britney! It keeps me awake at night, worrying about that poor misunderstood woman and her family.

    I wonder what the rabid weasels did with the body?

  2. Personally, I don’t believe that the weasels would ever hurt her, as they’d think of her as one of them. I believe that they have taken her to their secret world headquarters/underground weasel city to groom her to become their leader in preparation for the Great Weasel Uprising, scheduled for 2011. This has all been pre-ordained since Brit’s days as a Mouseketeer.

    At least, that’s what I’ve always been told.

  3. I wonder if the mice will get in on it since she represented them so well as a Mouseketeer. There could be an all out mouse and weasel war. Britney might have to make a stand in this matter. Well, she’ll probably be too drunk to stand so she might have to sit it out. The mice and weasels will just have to fight for her. The winners will get her and the losers will get Federline and the kids. Or vice versa, I suppose it really doesn’t matter.

  4. Joan, that’s very astute!

    Walt Disney will be coming out of cryogenic storage in 2010 and at that precise moment, every field mouse on the North American continent will begin a genetically pre-programmed journey to the SonyDisneyGEWalmart CryoWorks Facility in Nevada (also known as Area 52). This thing is so much bigger than either Britney, Kevin, and all their lawyers can even begin to understand.

    Crap. Even I don’t really understand it. I’ve heard that a lot of cheese is at stake.

  5. LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE! (screaming, sobbing)
    No, but seriously, did you see Seth Green’s parody of the Leave Britney Alone video? He was magnificent.

    Joan, you totally nailed that mouse connection.

  6. I KNOW I KNOW! I’M SORRY!!

    I LOVE BRITNEY TOO. SHE’S NOT WELL RIGHT NOW.

    At least she can afford quality mental health care, unlike the rest of us. I truly hope that she can find her way out of this mess. I regret reporting her possible assassination. That was VERY unprofessional of me. Lucky I’m not a REAL journalist or I’d have gotten FIRED.

    Anywho, thanks to moonbeam’s internet savvy, I plan to monitor the Naked Mole Rat Cam pretty heavily starting a couple of years from now. I believe we’ll get our first indications of The Event by watching the behaviour of the Mole Rats. Keep your ears on Mouseketeers!

  7. I never thought I’d read the words “Moonbeam’s internet savvy,” all written together like that.

  8. That photo-caption was the best…..you are extremely humourous David, have I told you that lately? 😉

    And more humourous proof: “They are now afraid that Britney Spears may contaminate the weasel gene pool, thus dooming them to extinction.”…LOL..she must be stopped, the pureness of the weasel-gene-pool is crucial to the success of the animal kingdom!!

    🙂

  9. So many Spears, so many needed prayers.

  10. Thanks C, that’s a very nice sentiment on which to conclude this sorry post. And thanks to all for your comments. It was fun, albeit at Britney’s expense.

    For the record, I really feel sorry for Britney Spears, and hope that she can find her way through these difficult times. It’s hard to imagine what her childhood must have been like. Fame and fortune can be very costly.

  11. I like that Dr. Phil accompanied her on this latest odyssey. I knew she’d call a TV doctor, but I would have guess it would be Dr. 90210.

  12. Okay, how psyched am I that Dr. Phil is seeing Brit. Hella awesome! Seriously, all my guilty pleasures rolled into one. Nobody can help her but him, he can fix anyone!

  13. Phil creeps the shit outa me. He’s like some kinda psychotherapeutic flamethrower. Maybe you’re right, maybe Brit needs a flamethrower. WTF do I know, other than the weasels and rodents of the apocalypse?


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