Posted by: David | December 31, 2007

Year End Appliance Thoughts

The last day of 2007 brought us a good 6 inches of sticky snow. As I was running the snow blower the sun appeared, and the wind had not kicked up yet, so it was awful darn pretty out there. Alternating sun and clouds made for a lovely and peaceful afternoon. More snow is due tomorrow. 2008.

Also making bread this afternoon. I haven’t made bread in a few months at least, and the little bottle of dried yeast in the fridge, expiration date November 2006, has just enough for a loaf or two. My wife ground me up some pastry wheat flower with a wonderful attachment to one of her favorite appliances. If she was making the bread it would be anadama bread. We’ve always been breadmakers.

The durum wheat berries make a fluffy, starchy, less glutenous flour.

I usually make a “sponge” dough first, to get the yeast all up and running, then knead in the second half of the flour as stage 2. As per the Tassajara method. The sun is setting, I’m typing up this post, my wife is downstairs watching TV (with Oliver- they’re watching either H&G, the Food Network, or some superlame fashion elimination show), the dough is rising out of the bowl in the kitchen. We usually have pretty quiet New Year’s Eves.

Internet, you already know this (U KNOW ALL), but the final days of 2007 brought a new saint to the pantheon of protectors and patrons of the universal faith. She is Saint Applencia (yes it’s an anagram of “Appliance”- very clever you Catholics!) and she is the Patron Saint of Small Kitchen Appliances. Mostly toasters it is believed.

There are toasters out there that need a Patron Saint. No, for REAL.

We all know what the fate of the toaster pictured above would be without the patronage of St. Applencia. The Paula Deen Egg & Muffin Toaster, purchased with a WalMart gift card ($20 left!!) would have cooked approximately 7 “delicious egg sandwiches” over a 6 week period, after which the users would have put the eggs into the wrong holes, popped a circuit breaker, said a few choice cuss words, stuffed the appliance back into a dark corner of the pantry, and pulled the old toaster back out. Now we have a higher power protecting us (like we didn’t before?!) from small appliance mishaps in the kitchen. The Post Post Post Modern Age has arrived!

My problem is this. I understand what is meant by the term “Small Kitchen Appliance”, but we have recently acquired an appliance that I know we’ll need protection for (or from). Or patronage. Whatever. It is used for cooking, but not in the kitchen. It is an appliance, but not really a small one, since we needed our good friend’s pickup truck to help us get it from my father-in-law’s place to ours. This appliance uses liquified petroleum gas (LPG, a.k.a. “propane”). Will Saint Applencia’s patronage be of service to us in our use of this appliance?

It looks a little ominous, doesn’t it, this Char-Broil Model 463452205?

Can I count on St. Applencia, or not? If not, then is there some other saint who can cover a broader class of appliances? I wonder. I’ve seen too many times that excessively violent TV commercial where the husband is outside, visible through the picture window, tending the gas grill, which explodes and launches skyward, while the wife and the rest of the family, in the foreground, persist in their oblivion. What was that commercial for anyhow? Who the hell knows? I’m gonna need protection. For now, I’ll have to leave this to higher powers. My bread needs to be checked.

Yeah dad, the higher powers’ll get that figured right out for ya.

The bread came out well. Happy New Year Internet!



  1. That. Bread. Looks. Delicious! Wow, it looks so good, it’s ridonkulous. David, you are truly a Renaissance Man. (Although you do need to learn a thing or two about Project Runway, aka Jesus’s Favorite TV Show.)
    But you’re such a good person, I know St. Applencia will watch over your Egg and Muffin Toaster AND your new Char-Broil grill because you deserve it, and I believe there’s already a petition going around to knight Paula Deen to sainthood.
    And thanks for plugging St. Applencia, but I’m not Catholic. I’m from a long line of spiritualists, Christian Scientists, pharmacists, journalists, and professional UFO photographers. Which is why Buck, the Catholic, is always making fun of my family. I do have Catholic envy, however, so I’m rather pleased you mistook me for one.

  2. Ceridwen and I second Wendy’s statement regarding the tasty appearance of that bread. Yum.

    Happy New Year, Mr. Dave!! We’re going to go drink ’til we’re sillier.

    (okay, I admit it, this is Ceridwen typing and too lazy to log out and log in again as herself. Is impersonating a husband on a blog a misdemeanor or a felony?)

  3. Yeah thanks guys. I said the bread came out well before I tasted it. Well I’ve tasted it. IT’S GOOD!! There will be some very fine toast in the opening days of 2008.

    Ceridwen, thanks for admitting to impersonating a husband. I have a feeling that it’s not even illegal, speaking as a husband. However, using another’s logon credentials is definitely a problem.

    Wendy, as you admit to not being Catholic, I must admit to NOT owning that toaster. It actually belongs to a loving family member who would probably be really pissed if she knew that I was making such fun of her new Small Kitchen Appliance. As for the Catholic Envy, well I guess I’d rather have a penis. Oh wait, I do. Shit. Really fucked that up didn’t I? The important thing is that Paula Deen should NOT be sainted. She is the DEVIL! Or the devil’s handmaiden. I think. I’ll get back to you on that.

    10:46 pm EST. Oliver and mom are downstairs asleep at the TV, which is still tuned to H&GTV. I’m surfing endlessly over the interweb, listening to a CD of cover tunes. I’m really stuck on Gary Jules’ cover of Mad World. Jeez there’s an awful lot of amateur musicians covering that tune on YouTube. Guess it’s pretty enigmatic. No wonder I keep listening to it over and over! And anyone can do it better than Tears for Fears did it. Jeez they wrecked that song. How did they even WRITE it in the first place?

  4. Yum to the bread. I have a serious question though – is it cost effective to make your own once you factor in all the ingredients, or is it just that your homemade bread has fewer preservatives and artificial ingredients? I’m just curious, and wish I had some of that bread in my house.

  5. Thanks Little Miss, it made some pretty good New Years Day toast for breakfast.

    Making your own anything is probably only marginally cost-effective. I factor in the satisfaction of DIY. I think this applies to gardening, baking, maybe sewing too?

    However, if you try to do things efficiently and economically, I bet you can compete with market value. And as you mention, there is better quality assurance when you do it yourself. We’ve always had the crunchy organic mini-farm lifestyle, so bread baking is essential. I also worry a bit about what will happen if we lose the know-how to do the important and elemental things for ourselves. Mostly we buy bread from the supermarket. NOT WHITE BREAD. BLECCCCHHHH! 🙂

  6. Oooh, that bread looks fantastic!

    I hope that Wendy researches that large appliance thing– I have a George Foreman grill the size of a UFO, and was wondering who will protect it.

    I like the new word you coined. “Superlame.” That’s pronounced “sooper-la-MAY,” right? French for “reality TV.”

    Gotta go see if any “Project Runway” reruns are on.

    Happy, happy New Year to you, your wife, Oliver and the rest of the menagerie!

  7. I can smell the bread from here. No really, sometimes I smell food that isn’t in the house, a whiff of chocolate, freshly baked bread, pizza, all kinds of food. I am such a food addict. But seven months on weight watchers is helping me with my addiction. Though I still watch the Food Network every day. Of course, I tell myself I’m just looking for low fat recipes. I also collect cookbooks. I have about 200 of them, though my most recent purchases are weight watcher cookbooks and low fat slow cooker cookbooks.

    Oh and St. Applencia better be up there protecting my slow cooker because I use it at least two or three times a week. I’m done for without it. I have so many low fat slow cooker recipes that even the rest of my family loves.

    Well, now that I am starving, I will go eat my one point Vitamuffin and my one point weight watchers yogurt for breakfast even though it is 2:00PM in the afternoon. Late night last night, what with it being New Year’s Eve and my daughter’s birthday.

  8. On the Gary Jules cover of Mad World … I have a problem with that song. It makes me practically suicidal, yet I can’t stop listening to it. It’s a hypnotic theme-song, if you will, to dark part of my brain. I first heard it in the movie Donnie Darko, and being unable to immediately identify it as that superlame Tears for Fears song (which makes me want to do the hussle) I mistook it for an original song that I somehow already knew. Weird, huh?
    But my advice is, and I’m serious, do not record the Gary Jules version over and over on an 80-minute CD to listen to in the car on the way to work every morning during the bleak months of November and possibly February. It will set the tone for your whole day and you’ll be tempted to drive off a bridge.

  9. Yes, I agree with Wendy in your Renaissanciey Manniness and happy you haven’t chosen to incorporate the attire into your daily wardrobe though it would be easier to pick you out of a crowd. It’s an enviable quality to those of us who spend our entire time so bogged down in theory that we never actually ‘do’ anything.
    Ya know, the whole cover tune deal has always troubled me because I feel like one should like the original better but, as you so aptly point out, TFF did a great job writing but not so much with the recording. Back in the day I wanted to like How Soon Is Now by The Smiths but somehow think that Richard Butler gave it a lovely twist that, if not superior, is at least fun to listen too and is apparently a feme tume for some show on cable with Shannon Doherty as a witch? (insert obvious comment here) (no really, I’m sure she’s lovely but we all know the rumors)…Anywhoo, I remember seeing Natalie and the boys (thought you’d like this clip in regard to your beginning lamenting the untrustworthiness of people) for like the 10000 time and she did a cover of Morrissey’s Everyday Is Like Sunday that just brought a tear to the eye…
    OpenHulu can provide you with Project Runway episode (s) as well as many others for free. We people without cable have to find such things to get our fix.

  10. Funny you should mention the George Foreman Grill, moonbeam, my friend who bought the Egg & Muffin Toaster is planning to use the remaining $20 on her Walmart gift card to get one of those Foreman things. We gave her one of those loaves of bread. It’s snowing like MAD here today.

    Sooper la may. Yeah, that’s how I pronounce it too. Fanatastic!!

    Joan I love the Food Network too. We watched a really stupid skyline-of-rice-krispie-treats competition the other night. We had the winner called about half way through. The Ace of Cakes dude! He rocks. What a great attitude.

    Wendy, I first re-heard a snippet of that Mad World cover on a commercial for some ultra violent computer video game some time ago, and finding it on your mix CD made me happy because I didn’t know how to find out what it was though I knew I’d like it. It sticks in my brain the same way you describe. There’s a commercial for some antidepressant drug that has this beautiful sad music that just gets right to me. Thanks for the good advice. A CD of ANY song playing over and over would definitely be “diagnostic” as my BFF in the psych biz would say.

    My wife and I often debate the merits of songs’ upper or downer feelings. She prefers the uplifting tunes, while I tend toward the darker themes. Some of what I listen to just sends her right downstairs, like Clap Your Hands Say Yeah for example. Or better yet, the total squealing whack job, harp-playing Joanna Newsom. Joanna I happily admit is an acquired taste. Music is pretty important to me.

  11. Kevin’s comment, being laden with links, as usual, got stuck in WordPress’s moderation mechanism. Sorry Kev.

    Kevin is the King Of Reference. He has pointed me to so many wonderful media, that I am awarding him an Ante-Posthumous Honorary Doctorate in Qualitative Info-Dynamic Nucular Systems, which should really help him to finally find a decent job.

    Thanks for your thoughts on cover tunes. In the abstract I’m thinking that if a song is really great, like a play, its greatness will support many different performances. Of your link examples, not to be quarrelsome, I actually like the Smith’s original better than Butler’s version. Natalie Merchant was so HOT back then. Too bad she had to dance so much. QED.

    I’m sure that watching TV shows on is totally legal. After all there are ads. As for Project Runway, if I had any tolerance at all for the whole idea of fashion and runways and stuff, I’d watch that show, since several people now, whose minds I totally respect, actually seem to like it. And they have Family Guy shows there too!

  12. You make your own bread?! Stop getting so cool on me with each passing day! (and NO, I am not being sarcastic, because come on people, home-made-bread is the best thing since….sliced bread? Uh-oh now I’m confused…)

    ANY-HOO, did it end up snowing in 2008? Up here in Canada-land, it snowed in a very unforgiving manner today, and I had to shovel more snow than any frail girl should ever have to! (yeah, thanks older sis, for being useless and shovelling only 20% of it…why do I always have to be the “butch” one? 😦 ….)

    PS: patron-saint of small appliances? Oh you kill me…LOL…I wonder if there’s a patron-saint of nail-clippers, ’cause I am always VERY afraid of one false move….

  13. Well his masters voice is always a pleasure…I guess I’m undecided on that one…Morrissey, Butler they both have their qualities. I still think Butler best with this sort of thing (yes, chose this video on purpose….lovely film)

    I’ve always liked this cover

    I think music has a great influence on moods as depicted quite well in FT with the joy brought out by the theme from Shaft in contrast to the melancholy of Radiohead

  14. Romi, yes it snowed all day yesterday and it took me a couple of hours to get it all blowed away. Now it’s getting all windy so it will be drifting.

    Jeez, from your writing I would not have guessed that you’re a “frail girl”. And at least sis DID 20%, that’s better than nothing- lotta snow up there in Canada??

  15. Haha, Romi had to shovel! That’s what you get for not living downtown where your elderly landlords have to shovel in front of the apartment for you! Who shovels? Not me. Who makes her own bread? Um….not me. I have a sandwhich maker, that’s about it, but squished together wonderbread with cheese, tomato sauce and mushrooms is really bad for your thighs….also my single square foot of counter space….

  16. damn greenie you’re laughing at me, but as a shoveler, I guess I deserve it 😦

    Yes David, it snowed buckets! And you’d be surprised, I am quite frail, but my snowshoveling forearms are beginning to pack a punch 😉

  17. Romi, when your forearms start looking like Popeye’s I would appreciate you posting a picture of them. greenie may be laughing at your snow shoveling, but hey, apparently she spends a lot of her time shovelling bunny poo. Which is probably less work, but eeewwww!

  18. Does snow shoveling make your boobs larger? Not yours, Dave.

  19. snow-shovelling (like most upper-body exercises) makes my boobs collapse into my torso, like they’re trying to play some sort of David-Copperfield disappearing shit on me…needless to say, the Canadian winter does not help my cause…sigh…

  20. Just like Romi’s commentator talea said, I have perfect boobs. Thanks ladies for bringing your boob talk over here, maybe I’ll get a million boobie hits! Then WordPress will start mailing me checks right?

  21. Between your pictures of Oliver and the boobie comments, your hit counter should be spinning!

    Oh, and boobies, boobies, boobies, boobies.

  22. you’d be surprised; the term “boob” has never really been a hit-winner for me…you have to say ‘tits”, ’cause let’s be honest, what would Internet pervs be googling, “bouncy boobies”? or “giant f**king tits”? 😉

    Tits, tits, tits!!!


  23. Thanks for all the boobie help ladies. Romi your titty laden comment got stuck in the Akismet spam filter, I released it and lets see if that helps. I think the hitcounter’s stuck. I even wrote a newsy little piece about Britney Spears and I’m still at 5115 visits. WTF?

  24. LOL…I was wondering where that titty-comment went, I hope it helps you find some perv-hits! 😉

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